Social Engineering Blogs

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Influencers from Around the World – One Great Question to Ask: Lessons from Marshall Goldsmith and Patrick Lencioni

This month the “Influencers from Around the World” post comes all the way from South Korea thanks to Hoh Kim. Hoh and I met in Arizona early 2008 when we went through training together to earn our Cialdini Method Certified Trainer designations. To learn more about Hoh visit his website, The Lab h, and his blog, Cool Communications. You can also find Hoh on Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.One Great Question to Ask: Lessons from Marshall Goldsmith and Patrick LencioniHow you communicate your weaknesses can define whether you’re trustworthy or not, according to Robert Cialdini, Ph.D., the world’s foremost expert on the science of influence. Without trustworthiness, we cannot have true authority in the eyes of others. Many leadership experts also express a similar concept.Everyone talks about the importance of trust. But, do we know how to act to build trust as a leader? Patrick Lencioni, the author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, shared some excellent insight. According to Lencioni, when we use the word “trust,” it normally means “predictable trust.” For example; I know one of my team members will do a good job, as she or he has been a good performer in the past. However, Lencioni suggested that leaders should practice what he called “vulnerability-based trust.” Leaders cannot be strong in every aspect, which means they also have weaknesses. Leaders should first know what their weaknesses are, and they should feel comfortable disclosing them to their team. Leaders shouldn’t be defensive. Instead Lencioni wrote, “In essence, teammates must get comfortable being vulnerable with one another.”Everyone talks about the importance of feedback in developing people. However, Marshall Goldsmith, one of the noted experts in leadership development, emphasized the importance of “feedforward.” Feedback is about your behavior in the past and feedforward is about suggestions for the future behavior. Feedback is in the rear view mirror, while feedforward is looking into the windshield. To drive your car you have to pay attention to windshield, what lay ahead, not the rear view mirror, which only shows what is behind.We all have areas of improvement in our workplace. If you could choose one area for improvement over the next year, what will it be? Better listening? Faster decision-making? Better emotional management? Whatever it is, acknowledge your weaknesses to your team members. You won’t be seen as a loser. If you stay in your weaknesses you might be viewed as a loser but when you acknowledge a weakness candidly, and ask for feedforward from your members and colleagues, you will be seen as a more trustworthy individual. When you acknowledge weaknesses and ask for feedforward you make a public commitment to improve. By utilizing the principle of consistency, one of the Dr. Cialdini’s six principles of influence, you will have a better chance to actually experiencing progress.How do you ask for feedforward? Take the Marshall Goldsmith’s advice and simply say, “I want to be better at (listening, for example). How can I be a better listener?” If your colleagues suggest something, don’t defend yourself, just respond with a sincere, “Thank you.” As we approach the end of 2014, it is a good idea to practice feedforward with you wife, husband, or significant others. Do you want to be a better spouse? Let me share one of my secrets to be a better spouse. Once a year I ask to my wife, “Honey, how can I be a better husband? What can I do better to be a better husband?” So far, my wife has never asked me to buy her things like a diamond ring or luxury clothing or high-end handbags. She just loves to be asked.Hoh Kim, CMCT® Founder, Head Coach & Lead Facilitator, THE LAB h www.THELABh.com

Look for the Best in Others and Change Your Experience

“You only love me because you make yourself think good thoughts about me,” Jane said one day while in a blue mood. I don’t recall everything surrounding that particular conversation but I never forgot her statement. I replied, “Is that so bad?”We all experience love differently. We meet someone and “fall in love” but for those who’ve been in long-term relationships you know those initial feelings of love dissipate and change over time. After years you find yourself loving your partner for different reasons than those at the top of the list when you fell for them. Unlike mere attraction or infatuation I believe love is a choice. To Jane’s statement, I do choose to dwell on her best qualities. I don’t deny there are things she does that bother me, that I’d like her to change, but then she would probably have a much longer list of things I should change! However, that’s not why I keep my mouth shut and choose to focus on the positive. I focus on the positive because I do believe it makes me love her more.The Apostle Paul knew this to be true when he encouraged the church at Philippi, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”When it comes to influence and the principleof liking – we prefer to say “Yes” to those we know and like – a way to trigger this principle into action is by focusing on what we have in common with others and offering up genuine compliments. When we focus on these two topics we’re generally looking for what we’d consider the good in another person. Not only do they come to like us more, we come to like them more at the same time. After all, the person who cheers for your team, comes from your hometown, enjoys the same hobbies as you, can’t be all bad, right?A quick reread of Predictably Irrational by behavioral economist and Duke professor Dan Ariely sparked my thoughts on this post as I looked over chapter 10 on expectations. What we think about something or someone before encountering the item or person can dramatically impact our experience.Remember the old “Pepsi Challenge” taste test? In blind taste tests people seemed to prefer Pepsi over Coke, including many Coke drinkers! However, when people knew they tasted Pepsi and Coke many people, especially the Coke drinkers, preferred Coke!How can this be if they tasted the very same drinks in each taste test? It’s because knowing you’re drinking Coke, especially when you have positive associations with the brand, impacts your experience. Brain imaging studies in conjunction with the taste tests clearly show the brand association impacts a different region of the brand than the taste sensation and results in a change to the overall experience.As I considered Ariely’s writing, Jane’s statement, and my understanding of the psychology of persuasion, it made perfect sense that our expectations impact our experience. As noted above, there are things I’d like to see Jane change but dwelling on those versus the qualities I love about her would be a waste of time and energy. If I focused on what she needs to change it’s a sure bet I would not enjoy her company as much as I do when focusing on the qualities I love.Pondering all of this I realized something else I’d done that was helpful; a simple idea I began using years ago. In my iTunes library, among the many playlists I have, is a playlist titled “Jane.” It contains songs that bring back good memories we’ve experienced, songs that make me thing about her in ways that make my heart beat faster. Hearing songs that make us think of our loved ones isn’t a novel idea but perhaps creating playlists to positively influence your thoughts about a loved one is novel for you.Wouldn’t you agree that listening to music that makes you think positively about your spouse on the way home, before a date night or while getting ready to spend time together would create positive expectations that would make for a better time together? In my experience it absolutely has!So here’s my suggestion. Science tells us our expectations will impact our experience as will the choice to offer compliments and connect on similarities. Next time you get ready to be with your spouse, partner, or someone else with whom you have a relationship, make the choice to do what Paul said 2000 years ago; focus on the good in whatever way makes sense for you. It will make things better for everyone.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.