Last year I discovered the work of Ken Burns. If that name is familiar it might be because of the notoriety he gained in the early 1990s with his PBS documentaries The Civil War and Baseball. I watched both and was fascinated! In addition to those I’ve passed considerable hours on the treadmill watching his documentaries on The West, The Dustbowl, Prohibition, The War (WWII), and most recently Jazz. In the Jazzdocumentary the famous musician Duke Ellington was interviewed and when asked about “the music of your people,” here is how he replied: “My people. Which of my people? I’m in several groups. I’m in the group of piano players. I’m in the group of listeners. I’m the group of people who have general appreciation of music. I’m in the group of those who aspire to be dilettantes. I’m in the group of those who attempt to produce something fit for the plateau. I had such a strong influence by the music of the people. The people, that’s the better word because the people are my people.”What struck me about Duke’s response was how he identified with so many different groups of people and how that undoubtedly allowed so many people to identify with him and his music. So often when we’re asked about ourselves we limit our view to a few defined and obvious categories. Much of that is defined by what we do (I’m a fireman, I’m in sales, etc.) or our role at home (mother, father, etc.). My question to you is this: Who are you? It’s important to understand for many reasons including when it comes to persuading others. That’s so because the more broadly you see yourself, the easier it will be to invoke the principle of liking. This principle of influence tells us people prefer to say, “Yes” to those they know and like. One way you can come to like one another person and have them come to like you is by sharing what you have in common.Here are a few ways I see myself: husband, father, son, brother, friend, businessman, salesman, influencer, trainer, coach, consultant, public speaker, reader, life-long learner, runner, weightlifter, martial artist, football fan, Ohio State Buckeye and Pittsburgh Steelers fan, Miami University and Dublin High School alumnus, Scotch lover, and child of God.As noted earlier, the more broadly I see myself the better my opportunity to connect with people because what we have in common (similarities) become starting points for relationships. Here are a few examples.When Ohio State beat #1 Alabama in the national championship semi-final, a game they were not expected to win, people were buzzing in Columbus. Everywhere you went it was a point of conversation and an easy way to talk to someone you didn’t know. I had a conversation with someone at a store that I can undoubtedly refer back to next time I see him.My wife, Jane, is from Pittsburgh and isn’t shy about talking to complete strangers about the Steelers when she sees them wearing some sports logoed item. You never know where a conversation may lead in terms of friendships or connections.When I do keynote presentations or conduct training sessions I regularly include influence stories about Jane and our daughter Abigail. Some people may not care how to influence others on the job but if they can get their spouse to take on a few more chores or get their kids to do their homework they’re all ears. Quite often people will talk to me afterwards about those personal stories, not business, because they see how persuasion can help on a personal level.I could give many more examples but you get the point. As human beings we’re all diverse and yet in our diversity we overlap with others in many more ways than we might have thought before. Duke Ellington clearly understood that and it’s a big reason his music was so well received by so many despite the racism he experienced during his lifetime. I encourage you to spend time thinking about who you are and the roles you have in life. That simple act could be enough for you to see more clearly what you have in common with someone else and might allow you to start forming a relationship through liking. And the good new is; if you need them to do something for you in the future, the more you’ve connected and bonded, the more they’ll like you and in turn will be more likely to say “Yes” to whatever you ask of them.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence OfficerinfluencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
Sometimes Similarities Mean More When it Comes to Persuasion
Imagine this scene on a busy street in New York City. Two guys are walking toward each other and the following ensues:Guy 1 – Hey man, I’m from New York! Are you?Guy 2 – F%#@ you buddy. I’m from Brooklyn!Trying to connect with someone based on what you have in common – similarities – is an effective way to engage the principleof liking … most of the time.All kidding aside, trying to connect with a New Yorker in the city over the fact that you’re a New Yorker too has little meaning. That’s so, because virtually everyone else on the street could say the same thing. There’s nothing unique or different about that to bond over. However, connecting over the fact that you’re both from NYC if you were somewhere else, say California, would mean something because it’s not likely too many others could say the same thing.This came to mind recently when I thought back to a time when Jane and I were in Boston. The year was 2004 and I’d qualified to run the Boston Marathon. Never having been to Boston we decided to fly in a few days early to enjoy the city and see the sites. One site we wanted to see was the bar Cheers, the location of the famous sitcom by the same name.As you might imagine, when we arrived the bar was packed with other curious tourists. In fact it was so crowded we couldn’t get a seat near the bar. After a short while Jane said to me, “I think those people are from Southwest Pennsylvania.” She could hear a couple talking and recognized the accent because that’s where she’s from originally.Shortly thereafter Jane said, “Excuse me. I wasn’t eavesdropping but are you from Southwest Pennsylvania?” They said they were and Jane proceeded to tell them she recognized their accent because she was from Waynesburg, Pa. A conversation ensued and soon we were sitting with this couple. If you didn’t know any better you’d have thought we knew each other and were good friends.As I shared at the beginning, trying to connect on the Southwest Pennsylvania similarity would not have meant much if Jane had brought it up in Southwest Pennsylvania. However, doing so in an unfamiliar environment magnifies similarities. Strangers in a strange city feel a sense of comfort meeting people they see as similar to themselves.What does this mean for you? To build or strengthen relationships you want to look for opportunities to connect using the principle of liking. Quite often you’ll find yourself in new or unfamiliar situations so connecting on similarities will be immensely helpful. Here are some tips:If you know some people who will be in attendance at an event you’re attending, Google them to learn about them in advance. Next, make it a point to connect on anything you have in common.If you don’t know who will be attending then you want to ask good questions and demonstrate active listening skills. Here are seven non-threating, ice-breaking inquiries you might want to use:What do you do for a living?Where are you from originally?Where did you go to school?Where do you live currently?Tell me about your family.What are some of your hobbies?What’s the most interesting place you’ve traveled to?Two things will happen when you ask these questions and actively listen. First, people appreciate the sincere interest and chance to talk about themselves. Second, you learn what you have in common and can then go deeper to form connections.Sometimes similarities mean more when it comes to persuasion. Recognizing that can help you magnify the liking principle which will help you build relationships and ultimately make it easier to hear “Yes” when you need someone to help you.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
Look for the Best in Others and Change Your Experience
“You only love me because you make yourself think good thoughts about me,” Jane said one day while in a blue mood. I don’t recall everything surrounding that particular conversation but I never forgot her statement. I replied, “Is that so bad?”We all experience love differently. We meet someone and “fall in love” but for those who’ve been in long-term relationships you know those initial feelings of love dissipate and change over time. After years you find yourself loving your partner for different reasons than those at the top of the list when you fell for them. Unlike mere attraction or infatuation I believe love is a choice. To Jane’s statement, I do choose to dwell on her best qualities. I don’t deny there are things she does that bother me, that I’d like her to change, but then she would probably have a much longer list of things I should change! However, that’s not why I keep my mouth shut and choose to focus on the positive. I focus on the positive because I do believe it makes me love her more.The Apostle Paul knew this to be true when he encouraged the church at Philippi, “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”When it comes to influence and the principleof liking – we prefer to say “Yes” to those we know and like – a way to trigger this principle into action is by focusing on what we have in common with others and offering up genuine compliments. When we focus on these two topics we’re generally looking for what we’d consider the good in another person. Not only do they come to like us more, we come to like them more at the same time. After all, the person who cheers for your team, comes from your hometown, enjoys the same hobbies as you, can’t be all bad, right?A quick reread of Predictably Irrational by behavioral economist and Duke professor Dan Ariely sparked my thoughts on this post as I looked over chapter 10 on expectations. What we think about something or someone before encountering the item or person can dramatically impact our experience.Remember the old “Pepsi Challenge” taste test? In blind taste tests people seemed to prefer Pepsi over Coke, including many Coke drinkers! However, when people knew they tasted Pepsi and Coke many people, especially the Coke drinkers, preferred Coke!How can this be if they tasted the very same drinks in each taste test? It’s because knowing you’re drinking Coke, especially when you have positive associations with the brand, impacts your experience. Brain imaging studies in conjunction with the taste tests clearly show the brand association impacts a different region of the brand than the taste sensation and results in a change to the overall experience.As I considered Ariely’s writing, Jane’s statement, and my understanding of the psychology of persuasion, it made perfect sense that our expectations impact our experience. As noted above, there are things I’d like to see Jane change but dwelling on those versus the qualities I love about her would be a waste of time and energy. If I focused on what she needs to change it’s a sure bet I would not enjoy her company as much as I do when focusing on the qualities I love.Pondering all of this I realized something else I’d done that was helpful; a simple idea I began using years ago. In my iTunes library, among the many playlists I have, is a playlist titled “Jane.” It contains songs that bring back good memories we’ve experienced, songs that make me thing about her in ways that make my heart beat faster. Hearing songs that make us think of our loved ones isn’t a novel idea but perhaps creating playlists to positively influence your thoughts about a loved one is novel for you.Wouldn’t you agree that listening to music that makes you think positively about your spouse on the way home, before a date night or while getting ready to spend time together would create positive expectations that would make for a better time together? In my experience it absolutely has!So here’s my suggestion. Science tells us our expectations will impact our experience as will the choice to offer compliments and connect on similarities. Next time you get ready to be with your spouse, partner, or someone else with whom you have a relationship, make the choice to do what Paul said 2000 years ago; focus on the good in whatever way makes sense for you. It will make things better for everyone.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
- « Previous Page
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- …
- 12
- Next Page »