Several years ago I was invited to speak to a couple dozen psychology students at The Ohio State University. They were working on their MBAs so as you might imagine it was a group of very bright young people. No doubt they had far more insight into psychology than I possessed but I did have something they didn’t, something they could all learn from – a lot of real-world business experience.As I shared the psychology of persuasion and its application to the business world, we got off on a tangent when we came to the principle of liking. This psychological concept simply alerts us to the reality that it’s easier for us to say yes to those we know and like. Think about it for a moment – there are many things you’d willingly do if asked by a friend that you’d never do for a stranger. So, make more friends and more people will be willing to help you when you need it.
At one point someone asked, “What if you hate someone you work with?” I replied, “Hate is a very strong word and I can honestly say I don’t hate anyone I work with.” Then he rephrased his question, “Okay, what if you really dislike them?” I responded, “I don’t really dislike anyone I work with either.” I went on to explain why that was the case and I’d like to share my thoughts with you in this post because it might just make your life a lot happier and less stressful.Learning about the liking principle coupled with more than 25 years in business has taught me this – how much I like someone depends far more on me than it does on the other person. That’s because I can make simple choices that will not only get them to like mea little more, but will get me to like themmore at the same time!A couple of ways to trigger liking are to offer up genuine compliments and look for things we have in common. Let’s start with compliments. I firmly believe there’s good in every person. If we look for the good we’ll find it, and it will get easier and easier to keep finding more good things. Unfortunately all too often we look for the negative and that’s also easy to find. It’s a choice so which will you look for?Abraham Lincoln said, “Everybody likes a compliment.” When we do find something good and tell the other person, they feel good and begin to associate those good feelings with us. In other words, they start to like us a bit more. But here’s the interesting thing – that same approach is working on us too! When you look for something worthy of a compliment in another person and tell them, you begin to convince yourself that they’re a good person. The very same factor that causes them to like you makes you like them at the same time.Studies show when it comes to things you have in common with someone else, engage on those things and they’ll come to like you more. That happens because we give a lot of benefit of the doubt to people who root for the same team, were born in the same town, attended the same college, have the same pets, etc. And just as sharing compliments works in reverse, so does this approach. In other words, when you find someone who roots for your team, went to your college, has the same pet, etc., you come to like them more!I shared this with the psychology group and went on to tell them what I’d come to realize during my career was how much I like the people I work with depends more on me than it does them. That’s because I can continually make choices to offer sincere compliments and look for things we have in common. As I do this, I come to like them more. It doesn’t turn everyone in a best friend and it doesn’t mean I’ll come in early for coffee or go have beers after work with them all, but I can enjoy them while I’m with them.I’d venture to guess if you think about people who don’t enjoy life and the people who are a part of their life you’ll probably think of people who are not very outgoing, who don’t look for the best in others and are probably fairly negative.Here’s my two-fold challenge for you this week: 1. Make a concerted effort to look for things you have in common with other people AND then talk about those things with them.2. Choose to look for things you can genuinely compliment in other people AND then offer up a sincere compliment.I guarantee if you make this “the way you do life” you’ll have an abundance of friends, people who like you and people that you like in return. Do this and you’ll be able to say as I did years ago, “I can honestly say I don’t hate, or really dislike, anyone I work with.”
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”. Cialdini “Influence” Series! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.
Do you wave?
As you know I took two weeks off and went to the Northern Territory with five mates to chase the illusive Barramundi. The fishing was good until the wind set in but the company was always first class.
The drive to our destination was a long one. Three solid days of towing a boat; 3000 kilometres one way! For those who have driven in the outback of Australia, actually anywhere 100 kilometres or so from the coast, you will have noticed that when you pass an oncoming vehicle the driver and sometimes the passenger will most likely wave.
Having grown up in the country I am accustomed to the wave and its many variations including, the single index finger raise, the two finger raise, raising of all fingers on one hand while still holding the steering wheel with the thumb, the full hand raise, the head nod, the hat tip and every type of combination in between.
I remember first inquiring about the wave well before I was ten. My father told me it was customary to wave to people on the road. Therefore I grew up thinking this is what we do. I came to understand that it creates a bond and a sense of togetherness often in the middle of nowhere, even with people you have never met. It especially has a great impact when the person waving back was a neighbour or friend.
As a child I loved it when a milk tanker would go by and we would make the universal “pulling of the horn signal” and the driver would sound his horn or when a sugarcane train would pass and we would use the same signal to get the driver of the loco to sound his horn. Each time resulting in cheers and waves from the kids returning the gesture to the driver.
On my six days of driving to the NT I had time to ponder and test the wave.
RECIPROCITY says that if someone waved at me I should wave back. If I waved at them they should wave back to me; and mostly they did.
LIKING dictated that when a vehicle with a boat was heading the other way we should wave because of what we have in common; and we always did.
CONSENSUS dragged in the backpackers and I think they just waved because everyone else was doing it. I have no doubt many will go home confused about the strange ritual.
When a truckie with a four trailer road train waved you knew that an AUTHORITY was acknowledging your effort to make way for him and his oversized load. I saw many drivers who didn’t make an effort to make space for the massive load and in that circumstance the wave was replaced with a physical challenge of seeing how close the truckie could get to their car without actually clipping it (another type of RECIPROCITY).
Even when I was tired I still waved because that is who I am, a person who waves, so CONSISTENCY says I have to keep it up for all drivers; and I did.
SCARCITY was of course ever present and when I waved and did not get an acknowledgement in return this was met with disparaging comments such as “city slicker” or “I hope you don’t get into trouble buddy”.
But with all good things…
As is the case with all good things and just as I had observed as a child the closer we got back to civilisation and the bigger cities the less people waved. Even from people who would wave in the county they would not wave in the city. Why?
My father pointed out to me as a child if you are stuck in the middle of nowhere, broken down and needing assistance, you want to be a member of that community. You want to know that you are not alone and part of something bigger. You also know that if you pass someone who needed help, who knows when the next car would be along. Therefore implied in the wave is a willingness to join a community and jump in and help when needed and I saw numerous examples of where people had stopped to help each other, inspect damaged trailers and vehicles at service stations to give their advice, or where they just stood around to talk about their journey and the hardships they had endured.
This outback bond is a great aspect of our country and I am grateful to be reminded that it exists.
But, and there is a but.
The greatest impact however was when I came back to the city. Where I don’t need to wave because I have access to the breakdown service and hence no need for the community. I don’t need to connect with people in front of me with a wave because I have service on my phone and the all the social connection it brings.
My two weeks living off the grid with no phone or internet was quickly shattered with the news of the real world. Politicians spouting negativity. Protestors assaulting people. The general disconnect of the modern world.
Sure you have Facebook, Instagram and everything else but try waving to someone on the street. Talk to you neighbour or co-worker. Ask them how their weekend was. Maybe even stop and help someone you don’t know.
In the field of persuasion we know it is what you do first matters most. If you wait for someone else to wave to you first you may never get one and that goes for any other type of behaviour change as well.
So give it a go. Give someone a wave and watch their face light up (probably with confusion but light up all the same).
Thanks for allowing me this little journey down memory lane and back again.
A hat-tip, nod and a wave to you!
The post Do you wave? appeared first on Social Influence Consulting Group.
Ancient Survival and Modern Day Complexities
The more I teach others about persuasion, the more clearly I see the principles of influence as a survival tool. Not only did they help our ancestors live day to day, they help us deal with the complexities of life in this information-overloaded society in which we live.
Let’s consider the principles in relation to our ancestors.Liking – One way to engage liking is through similarity. In ancient times someone who looked like you was probably friendly whereas someone who looked different might be an enemy. It became easier to trust those with whom you could quickly tell you had something in common.Reciprocity – If someone helped you it would be wise to help him or her when the opportunity presented itself because you never knew when you might need his or her help again.Consensus – There’s safety in numbers so it was probably a good survival bet to go along with the crowd instead of opposing it. If everyone was in favor of some action your optimal choice was to go along with the group or you’d find yourself ostracized.Authority – We place a lot of confidence in those with superior wisdom and knowledge. It paid to go along with the leader’s direction because opposition could end your life in a multitude of ways.Consistency – To do what you promised would gain you favor most of the time. In turn you learned to rely on those with a track record of coming through as expected whether it was on the farm or on the battlefield.Scarcity – When good opportunities, like food and drink, came along it was a wise choice to take advantage of the opportunity because you never knew if such an opportunity would come around again.In the modern world we may not have life and death decisions very often but the principles help us keep our sanity. In my presentations I like to share a quote from William C. Taylor’s article Permission Marketing, which was written for the magazine Fast Company.“This year, the average consumer will see or hear one million marketing messages – that’s almost 3,000 per day.”Can anyone possibly take in 3,000 marketing messages every day, sort through them all, weigh the pros and cons and make the best rational decision? Of source not! You’d need a super computer to do that. But here’s a scary thought – Taylor’s quote is more than 15 years old! A more recent article on the New York Times, Anywhere the Eye Can See, It’s Likely to See an Ad, puts the number of daily marketing messages we’re exposed to closer to 5,000!
To help us deal with the complexities of modern life we use the principles of influence as mental shortcuts. They help us wade through all the noise and when we hear something that resonates with us quite often that’s all we need to make a quick, satisfactory decision. Liking – A friend tells you the company they used to put in their new kitchen floor and after a few questions you like what you hear so you decide to call the company for a quote. That saves a lot of time because you don’t have to do a lot of research. Reciprocity – You do something that’s helpful, something another person truly appreciates. You sense they appreciate you and believe you want the best for them. It’s only natural for him or her to say, “Yes” if you need their help in return. Now you’re building relationship. Consensus – If everyone is doing it then it must be worth considering. After all, quite often the wisdom of the crowd is better than a few smart people. Therefore best-selling items can usually be relied on over new products or services. Authority – With the crush of modern life it’s easier to turn to accountants for our taxes, lawyers for legal questions and doctors for our health. We find it easier to pay these people for their expertise because it gives us time to focus on things we’re good at and things that are more important to us. Consistency – As society becomes more inter-dependent we rely on each other. A big part of the reliability is banking on someone doing what they said they would. We may be more pleased with a “steady Eddie” worker over the person who sometimes does great work and other times does poor work or misses deadlines.Scarcity – “Sale ends Sunday” is a classic. We don’t want to lose out on the possibility of a great deal so we get off the couch and get to the store before the end of the weekend. Much of the time this is an open door for us to get better deals.So there you have a comparison of the principles of influence in ancient versus modern-day survival. They don’t explain all of human behavior but if you pay attention you’ll see they do explain an awful lot of why people do what they do. Look for ways to ethically and correctly tap into them and you’re sure to be a more effective persuader.
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.Cialdini “Influence” Series! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.
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