I had in interesting Facebook exchange not long ago. Someone posted a picture of an attractive young woman wearing a t-shirt that had the following message on the front, “To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.” To be honest I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the post, which read, “Reinvent yourself with enhanced awareness, renew yourself with enhanced tolerance and regenerate yourself with enhanced wisdom.”Focused on the picture and the saying imprinted on it I light-heartedly commented, “But if you’re too stupid when you’re young you may not live long enough to become old and wise. : ) ”My Facebook friend replied, “@Brian: You mean ONLY stupid people die young?? Just to refocus your observation on the quote which is my thought – it is not on the t-shirt.”I replied one last time to let him know I didn’t think only stupid people die young. Of course, the more stupid things you do, the more risk you run of harming yourself, but even people who make good decisions experience bad things. This week’s post isn’t about Facebook or the stupid things young people sometimes do. What stood out to me after the exchange was the following communication problem that’s all too common – the message was incongruent.You see, the picture of the attractive lady stood out and in my mind the message on her t-shirt had nothing to do with my friend’s quote, which was what he really wanted to convey to readers. Again, his quote was, “Reinvent yourself with enhanced awareness, renew yourself with enhanced tolerance and regenerate yourself with enhanced wisdom.” If there was a connection, then how many others missed it too?When you’re trying to communicate with someone, perhaps even trying to persuade him or her, you’d better be sure every part of your message is congruent. For example, if I conduct a sales training session for business professionals I’d be foolish to not dress in a suit and tie or sports coat at a minimum. If I went to a training session dressed as I do on the weekends my appearance will detract from my message. People have expectations about how a sales trainer will dress just like you probably have ideas about how a minister should look at a wedding or a lawyer in a courtroom. When there’s a mismatch people can lose focus and the last thing you want is someone focused on how you look rather than your message.We also have expectations for the environments we find ourselves in. We don’t act the same in church as we do at work, a bar, or in a college classroom. We conduct ourselves differently in each place and acting like you’re talking in church to a room full of college students will lose them faster than they can update Twitter.When you want to communicate a message make sure everything has a purpose and that every part of the message builds to your main point. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say after a training session, “It was pretty good but he kept going off on these tangents that had nothing to do with the workshop.” If you have stories to share, make sure they add to the message and don’t detract from it.Practice helps and perfect practice makes perfect. Do you ever ask someone for feedback on a presentation before you give it? Running through your presentation with another, as you would if your audience were right there, will help you in multiple ways. One big way is to make sure the person sees how everything ties together. If you have to stop and make the connections for them then you might want to rethink your approach.The same can be said of writing. Have someone proof read your articles and blogFree webinar! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world. posts. Have them challenge you and if something doesn’t make sense, ask yourself if there’s a better way to convey the message. Again, if you have to take extra time to explain what you mean then that should be a signal that other readers might not get your point either.Communicating a message is like traveling to a destination. Usually the shortest, most direct route is best. If you want to get there in a hurry then limit your excursions and make sure everything is working together like a well-oiled machine. The extra time and effort will be worth it when people go, “Ah, I get it.”
Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”. Free webinar! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.
Influencing Difficult People
How many of you have to influence difficult people? Whether it is daily, weekly or every now and again, just the thought of that person has probably seen your nose immediately wrinkle with some level of disgust.
Difficult people are not a problem if we don’t have to interact with them on a personal level such as passing them on the street, sitting in the same train carriage or even sharing an elevator with them. If we see them being difficult with others we can just dismiss them and move on with our lives.
But, and there is a but, when we have to interact with them, work with them, and more importantly when we have to influence them, difficult people can become major drain on your energy and your physical and psychological resources.
Difficult people tend to relish the interaction, they have boundless energy and always put up a good fight. If only you could harness their energy for good rather than evil.
In the field of influence we know that it is what you do first that matters most.
If you continue to look upon them as difficult people that is exactly what they will remain. For some direction here we can look to Irish philosopher and statesman Edmund Burke (1729–1797) who said,
“He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill.”
So you can either look upon them as a great adversary, someone who is honing your influencing skills and making you better for the interaction or if this is a bridge too far I’ll bring you back to the point above, use their skills for good rather than evil.
For example, those of you who have ridden a horse before will know that it is easier to ride the horse in the direction it is going rather than try and tear its head off in getting it to change direction, especially a direction it doesn’t want to go in.
So embrace your problem child. Give them a role to review the work of others, to provide quality assurance, just as the Catholic church used the Devil’s Advocate to argue against the canonization of a proposed saint. Give the problem employee the role of taking a skeptical view, to look for holes in the evidence and argue for correctness, i.e. use their skills for good rather than evil.
Even if you are opposing people who you can’t give this role to, think of their hard questions, lack of willingness to budge from a predetermined position and general difficult nature as a positive. They are making your case better and more robust by pointing out the potential weaknesses. Even if the points they make are not weaknesses take solace in the fact that you can adequately deal with that objection and know that your case is becoming even more bulletproof.
By looking upon them as an ally rather than an adversary you will then be able to cooperate with them, praise them for their tough questions and identify the shared goals you have – all the basis for Liking. In doing so you will change the nature of the relationship, not by heavy handed tactics or actions that lead to tantrums and tears – instead you create a place for a relationship to build when none existed before.
Change the way you think about influencing difficult people and at the very least they will make you smile!
Tips for Making a Great First Impression and Making New Friends Your First Week on Campus
People form an impression of you in class
Your professor and your fellow students will respond to you and perhaps judge you by how you act in your classes. If you’re late all the time or if you don’t go to class, they notice. They also notice if you come prepared for class, or slink to the back of the room to sit, pay attention, ask thoughtful questions or doze off or spend the class texting.