When you’re in a group you rationalize other people’s ideas, don’t offer alternatives and supress you doubts to sustain the harmony withing the group. This all can lead to a really bad decisions.

Irving Janis discovered this phenomenon when reasearching the Bay of Pigs Invasion, where president Kennedy tried to overthrow Fidel Castro the president of Cuba with 1400 paramilitaries and failed miserably. Before the invasion certain people had objections to the plan, but they were all fully ignored by the Kennedy team.

All these smart people from the Kennedy White House and they were still fooled by Groupthink to plan something that nearly led to nuclear apocalypse.

Another example is Pearl Harbor. The United States had intercepted Japanese messages and discovered that Japan was arming itself for an offensive attack somewhere in the Pacific. Washington then warned officers at Pearl Harbor, but his warnings were not taken seriously.

The Navy and Army in Pearl Harbor also exchanged rationalizations about why an attack was unlikely. Some of them included:

 “The Japanese would never dare attempt a full-scale surprise assault against Hawaii because they would realize that it would precipitate an all-out war, which the United States would surely win.”
“The Pacific Fleet concentrated at Pearl Harbor was a major deterrent against air or naval attack.”
“No warships anchored in the shallow water of Pearl Harbor could ever be sunk by torpedo bombs launched from enemy aircraft.”

Prevention measure can be spliting the group into pairs and discussing the issue togerther once in a while, and allowing outsiders to present their opinions throughout the process. And then take some time off and return to the problem later when your mind is not clouded with emotions.

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1. Avoid asking too many questions

Asking too many questions in a conversation can turn off your target. He’ll start to suspect you want something from them and will stop talking to you. You instead just say your questions as comments and then stop talking. Your target will then likely respond to your comment and won’t feel interrogated.

2. Provocative statements

Saying something provocative to your target can provide you with loads of information. If he agrees with you he’ll elaborate, if he disagrees with you he’ll start to defend himself while disclosing confidential information.

3. False statements

People have a strong tendency to correct false statements. You can take advantage of this by deliberately making false statements about the thing you want to collect information about. Works better with some people than another.

4. Disbelief

When you question your targets statement he’ll provide more information to get your approval. You can use a third person as a source of the criticism to prevent damaging the relationship with your target.

5. Flattery

Everybody want to hear compliments, you can use this to open up your target to provide more information to you. Can be used with any of the techniques above.

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Law 1

Never outshine the master.

Always make those above you feel comfortably superior.
When doing psychology at a lower level, a key thing we’re taught is to always impress superiors to make them remember you. However, this is not always what you want to do. Showing off talents must not go too far, making those above you uncomfortable and threatened. Impressing those in charge can, to some extent, make them fond of you (thinging of you as a valuable resourse); but can quickly reach a point where they feel insecure because of your brilliance. Make your superiors remember you, but keep them happy. We only see the stars when the sun isn’t there; and clever stars don’t try to outshine the sun. Ever.

Law 2

Never put too much trust in friends,
Learn how to use your enemies.

Friends will betray you quickly, for they are easily aroused by envy. You have more to fear from friends than enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them.

Ah, friends. The people we can trust no matter what, who are always there. Those who never go behind our backs, who never point at us in times of doubt, and who are loyal to the grave. Right?
Well, whereas friends in the general life are little problem; remember that you can never be certain they won’t turn on you. You have less to fear from enemies for one simple reason. When friends turn against you, they do it with all they know about you, which is a lot. An enemy who wants to attack your weak points will have to take time to find your weak spots; those that your friends already know. You also need to learn to use your enemies to your advantage, and use aggression as a tool, rather than an irritability. If enemies are nowhere to be found, however; find some. They’ll prove more useful than you could ever have imagined.

“Lord, protect me from my friends. My enemies I can take care of”
– Voltaire

Law 3

Conceal your intentions.

Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose of your actions.

Obvious? To some, yes; but not to all. Concealing your true intentions is key to not being betrayed, or have plans collapsed. This law much relates to Law 11 (Learn to keep people dependent on you), as it has to do with not being left or betrayed. If no one knows your intentions, no one can replace you, as they might lose something worth preserving. A plan, scheme or simple thought are things that keep people happy with you, because they have to be. Not showing you the respect you deserve, they risk losing you, and along it your grand scheme. Of course, parts of a plan must sometimes be revealed to keep crowds interested, but remember Law 4.

Law 4

Always say less than necessary

When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less.

The principal at a university I visited for an exchange program was the most memorable person I have ever met. It wasn’t, though, the way he spoke that impressed me. It was the way he didn’t. His words seemed limited, as if he was cautious not to waste his precious vocal cords on anyone.
This is what Law 4 is all about. Saying less, thus seeming less common and more interesting, is usually a simple, but proven effective, way to keep yourself at the higher of positions. You may noticed how your boss always seems to say much less than anyone else during conferences and meetings. That a coincidence? No, your boss has merely learned how to keep his employees at the edge of intimidation. Always say less than necessary, and always say less than your opponent.

Law 5

So much depends on you reputation – Guard it with your life

Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win. once it slips, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked from all sides.

Vital to all social interaction is if people have heard of you, and what they have heard. Good reputation is the most important thing you will ever have to defend. Pride, social status and and salary are all things that depend on your reputation; and it is up to no one else than you to make sure you’re worth the trouble of contacting. When it comes to keeping a good reputation; it’s little trouble to do. Simply doing what you do and doing it well is usually enough to keep your reputation at a steady raise (with, of course, help of these 48 laws). Saving your reputation, however, will often prove to be a difficult and time-consuming task. Just like a car demands more power to start roll than to keep doing it; you will find that it’s the first weeks of rebuilding reputation that demand the most effort. Well, go with it. It will be worth the few weeks of struggle you’ll remember when you’re successful. Keep people dependent on you (Law 11), but keep yourself dependent on your reputation; and guard it with all you’ve got.

Law 6

Court attention at all cost

Everything is judged by appearance; what is unseen counts for nothing. Never let yourself get lost in crowd, then, or buried in the oblivion. Stand out.

In contrary to Law 4, you need to speak to keep people below you. Do that, however, in proper amounts, and never exceed any limits. There are two things people notice; individuals and crowds, however not individuals in crowds. For this reason, you must stand out of the crowd to impress people and make them remember you; which is the key to power. Whether adopting the peacock syndrome (wearing unmatching socks to attract attention), or simply speaking in a way that few people do; you must make sure your opponent will not forget you in the first turn.

There, those are the first six rules to adopt if power is what you seek. Always feel free to ask if anything is unclear.

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So, this is really simple.

First you figure out what you want your target to think about.
Then you Prime your target by saying words related to what you want them to think about, or by any physical objects.
For this to work, you must talk about something completely different. Remember that Priming works only if we are not aware of it. Just say the words randomly throughout the conversation, but overall it should be about something unrelated.
After you are done Priming them, just tell them what they thought, and don’t be surprised if you’re right.

A great video where this is demonstrated.

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To explain what it is, first you need to understand the difference between Concious mind and Subconscious mind.

Your conscious mind is everything that you are aware of and can control. How your body moves, your thoughts.

Your unconscious mind is far more developed and can do much more complex tasks than the conscious because it is older (and therefore more developed). It controls all your organs, muscles, everything you are NOT aware of.

You swing between consciousness and unconsciousness all the time. When you wash your hands, you don’t think about it. Instead you think about what are you going to eat for lunch. It’s the same as breathing, you can control it if you want to, but if you don’t your body does it automaticaly.

When you walk you could think about your every movement you do so you don’t fall, or you can let your unconscious mind take care of it.

The more you do one particular task the less you have to think about doing it.

A great example of how potent a force your unconscious can be was detailed by researchers Chen-Bo Zhong and Katie Liljenquist They conducted a study in which people were asked to remember a terrible sin from their past, something they had done which was unethical. The researchers asked them to describe how the memory made them feel. They then offered half of the participants the opportunity to wash their hands. At the end of the study, they asked subjects if they would be willing to take part in later research for no pay as a favor to a desperate graduate student. Those who did not wash their hands agreed to help 74 percent of the time, but those who did wash agreed only 41 percent of the time. According to the researchers, one group had unconsciously washed away their guilt and felt less of a need to pay penance.

When a stimulus in the past affects the way you behave and think or the way you perceive another stimulus later on, it is called priming.

Everything you perceive sets off a chain of related ideas. Pencils make you think of pens. Blackboards make you think of classrooms. It happens to you all the time, and though you are unaware, it changes the way you behave.

Another study conducted by Aaron Kay, Christian Wheeler, John Barghand, and Lee Ross. In this study people were separated into two groups and asked to draw lines between photos and text descriptions. One group looked at neutral photos. They drew lines to connect kites, whales , turkeys, and other objects to descriptions on the other side of the paper. The second group connected lines to descriptions for photos of briefcases, fountain pens, and other items associated with the world of business.

After that the particpants were sent to an isolated room and paired with another “participant“ who was actually hired actor. Then they were told they are going to play a game where they could earn up to $10. The researchers presented the subject with a cup and explained that in it were two strips of paper, one with word “offer“ written on it and other with the word “decision“. They could then either blindly pluck a slip of paper from the cup, or allow the other person to blindly select.

Whoever pulled out the “offer” slip would get the $ 10 and choose how it was divided between both parties. The partner would then choose to accept or reject the offer. If the partner rejected, both received nothing. This is called the ultimatum game, and its predictability has made it a favorite tool of psychologists and economists. Offers below 20 percent of the total amount are usually turned down. Most people chose to do the picking. They didn’t know both slips had “offer” written on them. If they instead let the other person do the picking, the actor pretended to get the “decision” slip. So everyone in the study was put in the position of making a reasonable offer, knowing if they did not, they would miss out on some free cash.

The results were bizarre, but confirmed the scientists’ suspicions about priming. So how did the two groups differ? In the group who connected neutral photos to their descriptions before the ultimatum game, 91 percent chose to split the money evenly— $ 5 each. In the group who connected the business photos, only 33 percent offered to split the money evenly, the rest tried to keep a little more for themselves.

The researchers conducted the experiment again with real objects instead of photos. They had participants play the ultimatum game in a room with a briefcase and leather portfolio on the far end of a table along with a fountain pen in front of the participant’s chair. Another group sat in a room with neutral items— a backpack, a cardboard box, and a wooden pencil. This time, 100 percent of the neutral group chose to split the money evenly, but only 50 percent of those in the group sitting in a room with business-related items did the same. Half of the business-primed group tried to stiff the other party.

All of the subjects were debriefed afterward as to why they behaved as they did, but not one person mentioned the objects in the room. Instead, they confabulated and told the researchers about their own feelings on what is and is not fair. Some described their impressions of the people they were playing the game with and said those feelings influenced them. Mere exposure to briefcases and fancy pens had altered the behavior of normal, rational people. They became more competitive, greedier, and had no idea why. Faced with having to explain themselves, they rationalized their behavior with erroneous tales they believed were true.

Wow, that’s typical of most people, wouldn’t you say?

Did you enjoy this article? If you did, remember to come back tomorrow to learn how to use this to read peoples minds.

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Rapports have been built for a very long time, and in many different ways.

The term ‘rapport’ (also known as mimicking, mirroring and many more) has one basic idea; to copy your victim’s way of being to resemble themselves and thereby get them to like you.

The basic priciple goes like this:
I act like you -> You think about ‘yourself in me’ (that I am like you) -> You like me (as you like yourself) -> You trust me (as you trust yourself) -> You will want to be like me (in order to trust yourself) -> You will do what I do.
Quite simple, huh?

Like it or not, it works on everyone. It works on me, it works on you and will most definitely work on the customer support of Apple (or whatever you feel like getting for free today).

All of this happens in the subconscious, that way you cannot gaurd yourself against it, and that makes sure it will work pretty much every time.

Verbal Rapport

This is probably the most vital part on building a rapport, as it the most obvious factor to the subconscious mind.

What happens when you do this is that your victim feels comfortable in the way you speak, as it is the way he/she speaks him/herself.

Pacing

Pacing verbal communication strongly influences the depth (strength) of rapport you establish with another person, and is vital to the verbal part of building a rapport.

Pacing volume is a very important factor and shuold be prioritized above many other things.

A person who speaks softly will feel more comfortable speaking to someone who also speaks softly.
In the same way, some who speaks loudly will have more respect for someone who they recognise to have a kindred spirit if you match their volume.

In fact, you might actually sometimes want to exceed the person’s volume to get them to speak more softly.
By reflecting an exceeded reflection you might actually be able to modify their behaviour.

Some people find that they can actually control others by going ‘out of control’, and then getting them to realize that they cannot ‘win’.

The below example is a technique that my father used on me and my brothers, and that I have found to be very handy when dealing with children.

*Child screams* -> *I scream (not at the baby, with the baby) louder* -> *The baby screams louder to test my limits* -> *I scream even louder* -> The child is fascinated by my scream and thereby I gain its respect -> Child falls silent calmly.

This technique works as good on adults who talk to loudly aswell as on the child in the example, with the difference that the adult doesn’t fall silent, but instead talks a bit more softly.

The message in this, that the best way to change someone’s behaviour is to change your own. The resulting change will cause the other person to change to re-establish balance and the illusion of control.

Physical Rapport

The body language is the other vital component in building a rapport, and works pretty much exactly as the verbal one (with the exception of mouth vs. body…).

Rather difficult to explain this progress by words, but the circumstances require me to, so I’ll give it a shot.

Say that you are facing someone who is facing away from you.
Doesn’t feel great, does it?

Now what if that person stands in relation to you as you are to him/her?
That’s better, right?

That is just the point of physical rapport building.

Objects that relate equally to something, are equal

Imagine you being one object, and your victim the other.
If you both relate equally to eachother, you become equal, the main point of this technique.

So, how do we do this?

Straight and simple, what you want to do is to copy pretty much everything your victim does.

Doing this, remember to include things like if he/she is
– Leaning or standing up
– Resting on one leg or both
– looking tired or cheerful
– fiddling with his/her finger or absolutely still

…and many more I’m sure you will discover as you go along.

Test For a Rapport

Ever held a magnet to another?
They stick to eachother, don’t they?

That is just what happens here.

You and your victim meet with totally different stories and conditions, but when you have established a rapport, you are just like the magnet.

But how do you know when you have the ‘magnet-state’?

Try this:

From standing in the same position as your victim, re-position yourself in another position

Now wait a few minutes for your victim to mirror your action.

If he/she does, you have successfully established a rapport.

If not, you have to keep building and try again until you’ve got it.
Another, quite simpler, way of testing for a rapport is to simply change the pacing of your own voice. Note how your target’s speaking rhythm changes, and decide if it’s enough for your rapport to hold.

TTL

No, this did not just turn into a photo tutorial, TTL stands for Take The Lead, and is the reward after all the mess with building seemingly-endless rapports.

Remember the magnet metaphor?
Well, now you’ve stuck to your victim, and have to take charge before he/she drifts off with you attached to him/her.

To do this, simply do what you want the other person to do, and they should follow you.

Now you have successfully created a rapport on your victim, and managed to manipulate him/her to follow your lead. Not bad, huh?

Tips and Notes

Building a rapport on someone is very safe business, you’re practically never caught, and if you are, no one can blame you for you trying to get them to like you and creating a harmonious environment, can they?

Though you want to think about some things:

– If you test for a rapport and fail, bare in mind that you will be starting from about 60 or 70% of what you had before (as you break the sync when you test it).

– When exceeding someone’s volume or pitch, don’t overdo it. This can cause the person to realize what you are doing, and your report is immediately turned into a hyper-conscious screaming contest between two…mentals.

– Building rapports is not something you will be able to do the first couple of times, but as you work on it, it will be more and more efficient and you will need less and less time (my record is ~25 seconds on a client).
Also, after having done this for some time, you will start to build rapports on people without thinking about it. That is the ultimate trigger point; now you’ve built rapports for a long time, and can pursue most people you meet.

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They can only last for a few miliseconds but with some practice they are fairly easy to catch.

1. Anger

Anger is particularly easy to spot on a human face as it is a stark warning – if you see someone looking at you with this expression you will be acutely aware of its implications.

2. Contempt

Normally contempt is visible on the face as a kind of half smile. One corner of the mouth is drawn inwards and upwards, signifying an extreme dislike that is different to disgust and anger. It shows a feeling that someone or something is inferior, lacking or worthless, and is a very dangerous emotion, and is more often the expression associated with hate than Anger or Disgust would be.

3. Disgust

Spotting this emotion is not difficult, and if you look for the nostrils flaring upwards it will be pretty obvious. This is based on our nervous system blocking off our nasal passages to avoid unpleasant smells, and a person displaying this emotion will wrinkle their noses, and often squint. Think if it as trying to experience as little of an unpleasant thing as possible, most often wrinkling the nose, raising of the upper lip, squinting and turning the head away.

4. Fear

Eyebrows raised and pulled together, raised upper eyelids, stretched lips. Fear can be easily confused with surprise because of their similarity. Try to notice if the persons eyebrows are pulled together or not.

5. Happiness

Happiness is probably the easiest of all seven. Raised cheeks, corners of the lips are drawn back and up. And remember that real smile always involves muscles around the eyes.

6. Sadness

Sadness shows itself by lip corners pulled down and drooping upper eyelids. Sometimes hard to spot because it can be very subtle and also by people trying to hide it by fake smile. Luckily you now know how to spot fake smiles too.

7. Surprise

Surprise displays in a very clear way, but as I mentioned earlier it is very brief, and may last only 1/5th of a second. A surprised person may open their mouth slightly, raise their eyebrows and widen their eyes. Sometimes this emotion may only display in a very subtle way, without the open mouth and only the slightest widening of the eyes, and this subtler expression is very difficult to see with the naked eye.

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An experiment has been done where people have been offered wine. The first time the people were told that wine cost $50, the second time that is costs $500.

After tasting the wine, researchers asked the participants what wine tasted better.

As you probably can guess, it was the wine for $500.

BUT what the reaserchers didn’t tell the participants was that it was the SAME wine all along. That’s interesting isn’t it?

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In their study, participants were asked to compute, the product of the numbers one through eight, either as 1 x 2 x 3 x 4 x 5 x 6 x 7 x 8 or as 8 x 7 x 6 x 5 x 4 x 3 x 2 x 1 within 5 seconds. Because participants did not have enough time to calculate the full answer, they had to make an estimate after their first few multiplications. When the sequence started with small numbers, the median estimate was 512, when the sequence started with the larger numbers, the median estimate was 2 250.

This is used in sales where, say you are buying an expensive suit for $10 000, at the checkout they offer you shoes for $500. You’ll be more inclined to buy those shoes than if you were buying a T-Shirt for $50 instead of a suit because it doesn’t seem that much money in comparison.

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So you may want to know how to build one.

I present you The Top 10 Techniques to Build Rapport with Anyone from a book you can find here, called “It’s Not All About Me“

Technique 1: Establishing Artificial Time Constraints

When you approach starngers in Starbucks and start a conversation they can feel a little awkward. That’s because the stranger doesn’t know when the conversation will end.

So to make it easier you can start your conversations with something like “I’m on my way out but before I left I wanted to ask you…”

This way everything will feel more at ease.

Technique 2: Accommodating Nonverbals

The majority of how people communicate is through body language. That means if you display threatening behavior people will not want to talk to you.

Your words and body language must be aligned and non-threatening. And if you smile it’s even better

Technique 3: Slower Rate of Speech

When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

You’ll also sound more confident so make sure to speak more slowly when interacting with other person.

Technique 4: Sympathy or Assistance Theme

“Have you ever felt a pang of guilt for turning down someone seeking help…….. Think for a moment about the times in your life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to provide it. When the request is simple, of limited duration, and non-threatening, we are more inclined to accommodate the request“

This is because in ancient times when everybody was in tribes. If you didn’t help others, they wouldn’t help you so you’d die. It’s the same today.

Technique 5: Ego Suspension

Eho Suspension means that when you’re arguing with somebody you say that they’re right even though you know they aren’t.

This can be hard to do, but it’s also really worthit because tgis technique is probably the most powerful of all ten.

So I encourage you to try it out and you’ll be amazed.

Technique 6: Validate Others

Everybody wants to be liked. And everybody is seeking approval others, and when you give it to them they’ll start to like you and will want to be around you to receive that approval.

Validation Technique 1: Listening

The easiest thing you can do is linsten to what the other person is saying. That may sound simple but it really isn’t. You need to REALLY listen and can’t think about anything else or the other person will sense that you’re not really listening.

Validation Technique 2: Thoughtfulness

“Thoughtfulness is probably the most commonly used of the validation techniques but in a limited manner. I want to emphasize it here because I have found through my practical application of these techniques, as well as study of personality types, that few people naturally use this to its fullest potential, and, most of the time, we don’t realize when it is being used; all we know is we really like the person who gives it“

Thoughtfulness simply means that you care about others well-being. For example asking “How are you doing“ etc.

Validation Technique 3: Validate Thoughts and Opinions

“Most human beings are very self-centered. We are biologically bred to be self-centered as a survival mechanism. That is why when in stressful survival type situations, our natural inclinations are to take care of our own safety first then the needs of others. That is also why when we witness what we consider heroic acts of others, we are recognizing how some individuals have defied their own genetics and biology and made a choice to put others’ needs and wants first. These are considered admirable qualities because they go against our innate egocentric survival mechanisms“

This is similar to Ego Suspension, you can’t correct a person if they say something you know is wrong. All human beings naturally make a connection with people who think like them. So if you seem to be like them they’ll want to be around you.

Technique 7: Ask… How? When? Why?

I think you already know what this is and how it works.

In a conversation asking people How? When? Why? signals that you care about them. These questions are also good when you don’t know what to say, you simply ask a question about something the other person said earlier. That way you never run out of things to say.

“One of the key concepts that every great interviewer or conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are generally questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual being targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended questions about the same content“

Technique 8: Connect With Quid Pro 

This means that you give a little information about yourself in order to get information about the other person, or to open them up.

This technique is good with people who are very introverted or guarded but otherwise you won’t need to use it that much.

Technique 9: Gift Giving (Reciprocal Altruism)

“Most people would feel badly if they received a gift and forgot to say or send a thank you note to the giver.  When someone does you a favor you most likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every conversation. This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones for building great relationships. This is also the easiest technique to utilize, because gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to tangible material gifts. Gift giving, or reciprocal altruism, is hardwired in our genetics“

Receiving a gift feels good doesn’t it, but you also feel bad if you don’t reciprocate and give a gift to the other person.

In caveman times when the hunters returned back to the tribe from hunting, they either shared the food or they didn’t. When they didn’t others wouldn’t share food with them, so if the next time they weren’t so successful or becae injured they’d die because nobody would help them.

Technique 10: Manage Expectations

“Every conversation or engagement with another human being has an agenda. Another definition of agenda might be objective or desired outcome.  Sometimes the agenda is to sell you a used car. Sometimes the agenda is to share a secret. Other times, it is simply to make another person feel better. Regardless of the situation, whether it is an altruistic intention or not, there is an agenda. The individuals in life that are able to either mask their agenda or shift the agenda to something altruistic will have great success at building rapport“

When you manage your expectations so that the conversation is for their benefit and not yours you’ll be at ease and not look sleazy. Which is great.

If you want to learn more about building rapport, be sure to read the book.

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