People are fond of analogies that help them visualize concepts that are sometimes difficult to grasp. Steve Jobs was use one when he said, “Computers are like a bicycle for our minds.” Another common analogy is people describing the human brain as a computer. One analogy that’s kicked around quite a bit in politics is this, “A rising tide lifts all boats.” That’s easy to picture. After all, when the tide rolls in all boats sit higher relative to the docks they’re tied to or some other stationary object. Politicians like to use the phrase when it comes to the economy. If more tax cuts are given to the wealthiest people they’ll spend their extra money creating jobs or buying more stuff. Either way, more goods are sold which means more people are employed to produce and sell those goods. Everyone is better off; all boats have been lifted.But there’s a problem. The analogies we use are just that – analogies. They’re merely comparisons to help us understand but they’re not the actual thing. In one sense they’re like a map. A map can be a helpful tool but it’s still a map and not the actual terrain. It can never fully represent the real thing and the more diverse the terrain is, the less a map can fully represent it.People who use the rising tide analogy want us to believe everyone is better off when the wealthiest among us do better. There’s some truth to that however, it ignores a basic tenant of behavioral economics – how we make comparisons and decisions.You see, most people don’t simply look a their situation relative to how they were at some point in the past. Rather, we have a habit of comparing ourselves to others in the moment.We see this publicly played out in sports all the time. Let’s say an athlete has a great year and gets a huge raise because he’s considered among the best in his sport. He’s happy! But the moment he learns someone else just got more money, discontentment sets in. No longer does he care that he’s making significantly more than he used to. Instead he feels slighted compared to the other athlete he just learned about.The same can be said of the average American. While many may be a little better off than they were five or ten years ago based solely on their income they don’t necessarily see it that way. That’s probably because they’re not simply comparing their take home pay to prior paychecks. In fact, if inflation, medical bills or other things that occur in life have eaten away at their take home pay, people tend to feel they’re working harder than ever but have little or nothing to show for it.Another comparison point comes when people hear about senior executive compensation at large corporations. For example, did you know back in 2005 the average CEO made 525 times more than the typical American worker made? That pay differential took a significant dip due to the recession but it’s trending back up and was 369 times more in 2012.Can you see why someone might be disgruntled? Most people have an innate sense of fairness, and of right and wrong, and when that gets violated many people would rather get nothing just to see the other person get nothing too. It doesn’t make economic sense because economically a little bit of something is better than a lot of nothing. Several years ago I conducted survey with my blog readers. One question read: You’re playing a game and your partner was given $100 to share with you any way they see fit. The two of you get to keep the $100 but only if you think you’ve been treated fairly. What’s the least amount you would want in order to not reject the deal?Just over two thirds of the respondents said sharing $50 of the $100 would be fair. The average for all responses was $41.88. Even though they’d have been better off even just getting a dollar, the vast majority would reject the deal if the split wasn’t about equal. It doesn’t make sense economically because if you were given $30, $20, even $1 that’s better than nothing, and more than you started with. But that’s not how most people typical think and behave. When people don’t feel they’re being treated fairly they take action…even if those same actions might hurt themselves in the end.The tide may be rising but all the people in the little boats stare at the luxury liners and perceive those ships are getting the bigger lift and they don’t like it. My fear is this; if our government in conjunction with big business doesn’t come up with ways to make the average workers feel like they’re being compensated in a more equitable way, the consequences could be worse for all of us in the long run. Whether or not you agree with the “We are the 99%” and March on Wall Street movements, they reflect what I’m talking about here. People are unhappy and they’re starting to take action.A take away for those of you who aspire to be more effective persuaders would be this – whenever you use analogies to make a point, make sure the analogies are appropriate for your audience or your best laid plans could backfire on you. Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
Mastering the Art of Human Relationships
“Before I learned the art, a punch was just a punch, and a kick, just a kick. After I learned the art, a punch was no longer a punch, a kick, no longer a kick. Now that I understand the art, a punch is just a punch and a kick is just a kick.” – Bruce LeeIf martial arts is about fighting then what does the quote above from the greatest martial artist of the last century – some might say all time – have to do with relationships?Bruce Lee’s observation had to do with more than punching and kicking. It had to do with mastering whatever you set out to do. If you observe children they’re free in almost everything they do. They don’t think, they just do. Now, they may punch or kick poorly, or play the piano poorly, or swing a golf club the wrong way, but they’re uninhibited when they do so.Then they begin to learn the right way, the proper techniques, and all of a sudden there’s more to a powerful punch or kick than they realized. As they concentrate, trying hard to perform correctly, what was so free and easy actually becomes quite difficult. However, with time, patience and enough practice it gets easier and easier. Eventually they perform very well without even thinking. The punch and kick have once again become just a punch and kick.If you’ve taken up golf, played an instrument or tried anything else that required skill then I’m sure you can relate to this. It’s hard to do something when you’re thinking about all the steps you need to go through to perform the task. The mechanics of a golf swing are a great example. The pros make it look easy but a good golf swing is an intricate process.Relationships can be quite similar. A while ago Abigail and I spent a day together and she talked about someone she liked, someone she’d known for many years. When they were just friends she said it was easy to talk but as the relationship began to change it wasn’t so easy. Going from friend to something more requires better communication skills and the transition can be hard.Jane and I have been married for 25 years and right now things are really good and pretty easy. We went through our phases where that wasn’t the case. The honeymoon was easy. Life got tougher as the novelty wore off and we began to “do life.” We started to really get to know each other and some of the things that were cute at first became irritating. Eventually we turned a corner and began to realize those sometimes cute, sometimes irritating things are part of what makes each of us unique. All of a sudden we went from cute to irritating to appreciation.You could say we’ve learned the art of navigating our relationship. No longer do we look for hidden meaning behind the words and wrestle with things like we used to. We pretty much accept each other for who we are, how we appear and what we say. If we think there’s more to the communication we just ask each other what’s meant by the statement. It’s amazing how often that stymies negative thoughts and stops a bad period before it even starts.No one takes up martial arts and expects to perform like a black belt right away any more than a new golfer expects to play like a PGA pro. And the same is true of relationships. You can’t just jump into a relationship and expect to land where it takes others decades to reach.But here’s the good news – you can make strides much faster if you dedicate yourself to the process and have people who can coach you. In the taekwondo studio, Abigail and I learned from the more senior black belts and the studio owner Grandmaster Black. When Jane golfs she dedicates time to practice regularly and works with a pro. For each of us practice, patience and coaching paid off.When it comes to mastering the art of human relationships, having good friends who can speak into your life with brutal honesty is like a coach offering correction to an athlete. If your friends are wise and you’re coachable you can enjoy more fulfilling relationships much, much sooner. After all, learning from other’s mistakes and successes can help you avoid the mistakes and enjoy success much, much sooner.So let me end with a couple of questions. Do you have a business coach or mentor you turn to consistently? If not, you should seriously consider seeking out someone because it could make a big difference in your performance.Do you have a life coach or accountability partner, someone you check in with regularly who can speak freely into your life? Again, something you should give thought to. There’s no better time to implement a great change than moving into the New Year.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
The Importance of “Thank You”
Several weeks ago I wrote a blog post on the correct ways to respond to “Thanks.” Much to my surprise and delight it struck a chord with readers. As I was watching television after a Sunday of football, a 60 Minutes piece caught my attention so I decided to write about the importance of saying, “Thank you.”In the 60 Minutes segment, Anderson Cooper interviewed Marcus Luttrell, the author of Lone Survivor, the account of four Navy Seals who were ambushed during a recon mission in Afghanistan. Luttrell was the lone survivor on that fateful day in 2005.Cooper also interviewed retired Vice Admiral Joe McGuire. According to the Vice Admiral one of Luttrell’s comrades, Lieutenant Mike Murphy, placed a call for help after he and his three fellow Seals had been shot. Murphy had to expose himself on a rock to place the call even though he knew he’d likely be killed in such a vulnerable location.He made the call and said, “We could really use your help.” He was told by command, “Help is on the way.” Then Vice Admiral McGuire said he admired Murphy because, having been shot and knowing he’d probably die radioing for help, he finished the call by saying, “Thank you.” The Vice Admiral said of Murphy, “That’s just the kind of man he was.” Did you catch that? He actually took time to say “Thank you” in the middle of a firefight knowing he might die!As I noted in the post several weeks ago, how you respond to “thank you” can make a big difference in your ability to persuade others. On the flip side, expressing gratitude, saying “thank you”, is every bit as important. If Lieutenant Murphy could find the time to remember to say, “Thanks,” then who are we not to?Giving thanks taps into reciprocity, the principle that tells us people feel obligated to do something for those who’ve done something for them. “Thank you” is one of the first phrases we learned when mom and dad taught us that thanking others was the right thing to do after someone had done something for us.Unfortunately showing gratitude – good manners – seems to be slipping these days. I think that because of the responses I get from others when I say, “Yes, thank you,” or “No, thanks.” Quite often I’m thanked in return because politeness stands out today. While that might be a sad commentary, the good news for you is your “Thanks” will stand out in a positive way.I remember many years ago “stopping the presses” to help someone accomplish something that was very important to them. It involved several people on my end and was a disruption in normal processing but we got it done. What stayed with me all these years was the fact that the person we helped never said thanks or acknowledged we went out of our way to help even though we didn’t have to.I realize I don’t work for thanks and that I’m expected to do my job but our company has a culture in which associates recognize extra effort with sincere appreciation. I knew in my heart if that person ever wanted my help again I’d do what was asked but the effort would not be the same as it would for others who genuinely appreciated past efforts.When you recognize people and their effort it helps build relationships and it’s a proven fact that people prefer to say, “Yes” to those they know and like. That’s the principle of liking.So here is some simple persuasion advice. When people have done something you genuinely appreciate, let them know. “Thanks” and “Thank you” go a long way but I’d encourage you to go a bit further. Thank the other person and, if warranted, tag it with a bit more. “Thanks, I really appreciate what you did.”“Thank you. It means a lot to me that you’d…”“You have been so helpful. Thanks a lot!”Each of these takes just a moment of reflection and a couple of extra seconds. Lieutenant Murphy found the time during the fight of his life; can you? Even if you’re dealing with someone you might not see again at a minimum you might just brighten his or her day. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with regularly, an approach like I’ve described can go a long way toward building a stronger, more productive relationship and that will make future attempts at persuasion much easier.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.
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