I have some persuasive advice for you – Bite your lip and stay silent for a while. Normally when I talk about persuasion I offer up ways to proactively connect on the six principles of influence. But sometimes silence is golden because quite often less is more. Allow me to ask you a few questions to drive home why this is the case.When will people appreciate your advice most? When they ask for it. When do people appreciate your “gifts” most? When they want them. So why do we keep offering advice and giving gifts to people before they ask?There is a time and place for offering up help, sharing advice and giving gifts. Initiating on each of these engages the principle of reciprocity because quite often the other person will feel some obligation to give back to you. However, there are times when they’ll appreciate what you have to offer even more. That time is when they seek you out and ask for it. I’ve noticed this much more as of late at work and home. Since my daughter Abigail was a toddler I’ve always made it a priority to spend time with her. For many years it was a father-daughter group through the YMCA known as Indian Princess. Next it was taekwondo for about five years. More recently it’s been time every weekend at coffee shops. I was the initiator with all of these.When we stopped going to taekwondo it was a combination of her losing interesting plus being busy with high school and an after school job. A while ago she approached me about starting back up with taekwondo. Initially I said no because of my training-related travel, her work schedule and I just didn’t think she’d be dedicated enough to make it several times a week. More time passed and I still resisted which made her want it even more. That’s scarcity in action because the less available something is the more we tend to want it.I finally relented and told her when summer rolls around and she’s on break and my travel lightens up that we’ll join taekwondo for the summer to see how it goes. Do you think she’ll be more into it and appreciate it more because she had to wait and pursue me on it? You bet!Another example happened recently. Abigail shared a string of texts she had with a boy. I had some strong opinions about the “conversation” as I listened but I didn’t offer up any thoughts. I kept reminding myself she’s an adult (she turned 18 years old in December) and can handle herself. Finally she asked my opinion but I didn’t say anything so she asked again. She could see I was thinking and was curious. I knew at that point she’d value what I had to say far more than if I just offered up my opinion unprompted.I’ve also noticed the same phenomenon at work. Over the years I’ve established expertise in several areas but I try to hold back until someone wants what I have. This goes for my training, coaching and consulting. When someone seeks me out, they’ll value what I can offer much more. Here are a few keys to help make this approach more effective.1. Establish your expertise and trustworthiness. Both of these elements will add to your authority and make people rely on your wisdom even more. If you don’t have expertise, at least in business, there’s no real reason people will seek you out. On the flip side, if you’re not trustworthy then it won’t matter how smart you are. You need both!2. Start by giving. Even if you have expertise people may be unaware of that fact. When you start by giving, you show what you’re capable of and engage reciprocity. Doing this helps establish a relationship which will make others feel more comfortable approaching you down the road.3. Withhold a little bit. As noted earlier, people want more of what they can have less of. That’s scarcity. If you constantly offer up advice without being asked or make yourself available 24×7 then you’re missing the chance to leverage scarcity.So next time you’re tempted to jump in with your two cents, bite your lip and remember, quite often, less is more. Give it a try and let me know what you notice about others’ response to you.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.Cialdini “Influence” Series! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.
3 Reasons to Ask 1 More Question
I’ve observed something in the last few years that I think has helped me become a much more persuasive individual and I’d like to share it with you. It’s something simple that you can do if you’re willing to commit an extra 10 seconds every now and then when you’re communicating with others. Here it is – Ask one more question. That’s all; just ask one more question. The interesting thing is people feel compelled to answer questions so virtually everyone will answer you when you ask one more question. What you want to do is ask the question in the same email or conversation in which you provide help for someone.Imagine a coworker has reached out to you for assistance. They sent you an email because they needed some information or insight from you. You share your expertise with them and then you add one more question at the end of the email. That question might be something like one of the following:”Does that help?””Is that what you were looking for?””Is there anything else you need?”Why is asking one more question so important? I think there are three reasons.First, you’re confirming what you’ve provided is what they needed. There’s no miscommunication because they’ll reply to tell you it’s exactly what they were looking for or they’ll clarify and ask you more questions. Either way miscommunication is avoided.Second, your follow up question reinforces what you’ve done for the other person. This engages the principle of reciprocity. Should you ever need help in the future they’ll be very likely to return the favor because this principle of influence tells us people feel obligated to give back to those who first give to them. If you don’t do a quick follow up the other person might get what they need and simply move on without acknowledging what you’ve done for them. While it may seem rude to not acknowledge the help, many people don’t just want one more email. But, when you ask one more question is almost guaranteed they’ll reply.Third, and most importantly, when you ask one more question to make sure they got what they needed people seem to answer much more positively. What I’ve noticed is the response I get is much different than a simple “Thanks!” Here are a few responses I’ve received over the past month:”That is outstanding – thank you – you’re the best!””OMG yes thank you so much! I really appreciate you!””Yes, that makes sense to me. Thank you for reviewing.””Thanks. All good stuff!”I think you can see each response was much better than a simple, “Thank you.” Everyone wins. Each person I helped was very thankful. They felt better about me, which engaged liking, and my authority was enhanced in their eyes. I also benefitted because, as noted above, reciprocity was engaged. If I need help down the road don’t you think each of these people would happily step up to the plate? I know they would.My persuasion advice for you is this – ask one more question this week. Whether by email or phone, after you’ve responded to someone’s request for help ask, “Did that help?” or “Does that give you everything you need?” I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the responses you get. Over time you’ll find it translates into becoming a more persuasive individual.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.Cialdini “Influence” Series! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.
5 Cues to Consider When Trying to Influence Someone’s Habits
I recently watched a very interesting interview with Charles Duhigg, the author of The Power of Habit. I read the book several years ago and was fascinated by the subject matter and scientific research Duhigg shared throughout the book. Watching his interview renewed my interest in the subject and started me thinking about how habits and influence intersect.I’ve personally seen how forming good habits can be extremely beneficial. As a teenager I got in the habit of working out because I wanted to get in shape for football. The habit of weightlifting stayed with me because I enjoyed it and I eventually I added running to my fitness mix. For decades my days have consisted of getting up very early to read, then workout or run. For me that morning habit is as regular as eating breakfast or showering before work. Duhigg would call this a “keystone” habit because it positively affects other things I do. For example; in addition to being a little smarter and more fit, by the time I get to work I feel ready to tackle just about anything because of my morning routine.The great thing about habits is they remove the burden of thinking. That frees us up to devote energy to other items competing for our attention. If you pause for a moment to consider your habits you’ll probably realize almost all of them occur with little or no thought. When habits are good that’s wonderful. However, when habits are poor it can be tough to change them.As a persuader it’s important that you understand this because quite often you’re not looking to persuade someone into a one-time behavioral change. After all, you don’t want to have to persuade your child every day to do their homework do you? If you’re the boss at work you don’t want to have the same conversation over and over to influence an employee to show up on time, do you? Wouldn’t it be great if those behavioral changes took hold and were lasting? It’s my goal to help you learn how to Influence PEOPLE into lasting change.Let’s look at the example of trying to persuade an employee to show up to work on time. You could use every principle of influence in this effort.Liking – Appeal to the relationship you have with them and ask them to do a personal favor for you and start showing up on time.Reciprocity – Leverage something you’ve done for the person in the past by referencing it and asking for their help in return.Consensus – Let them know everyone else makes it to work on time so there’s no reason they shouldn’t also.Authority – While not always advisable, you can reference you’re the boss and this is the expectation. However, beware that playing on your positional authority can cause resentment and that usually doesn’t lead to lasting change.Consistency – After having some conversation about why they’re late so often ask them if they’ll commit to start showing up on time rather than telling them that’s what they need to do.Scarcity – There is probably a downside to continually showing up late – no bonus opportunity, no raise, possibly losing their job – so appealing to this potential loss is certainly an option.In The Power of Habit, Duhigg shares scientific research that every habit has three parts: a cue, the routine and a reward. The cue is the trigger that starts the routine and it’s almost always one of five things:A certain location (some people only smoke in bars)Time of day (morning prompts many to exercise)An emotional state (loneliness causes some to drink)Other people (someone who pushes your buttons)An action that immediately precedes the routine (this could be a song triggering memories).The reward can be many things – pleasure, pain avoidance, feeling better about one’s self, feeling a sense of control, etc. Remember, we all get something out of our habits, even those that appear self-destructive. In some cases your attempts to change someone’s behavior can be very difficult because old habits die hard. In fact, Duhigg suggests, based on research, that you never really get rid of old habits, you only replace or change them. This is why so many smokers gain weight when they try to quit because they replace their smoking routine with eating when their cues trigger them. In the case of the late employee, you know it’s possible for them to get to work on time because the vast majority of people do it every day, even those who might have more hectic and stressful home lives than your chronically late employee. So what are you to do?You can help them identify the triggers that tend to make them late. For some people time is like money – they’ll use up every last penny or every last minute no matter how much extra time or money they may have. So getting up a little earlier may not be the solution. Help the person establish a new cue that will allow them to get to work with at least 10 minutes to spare. That could be another alarm clock going off, the coffee maker brewing a cup of coffee for their drive in or something else that alerts the person it’s time to stop everything and head to the car. If it’s a spouse or kids that are part of the problem then the person needs to let them suffer their own consequences for getting up late, not coming to breakfast on time or whatever else it might be. That won’t be easy but if they don’t do that they’ll forever be a slave to other people’s behavior and they, not the others, will pay the cost.The principles of influence can certainly come into play when you have this conversation with the employee. The conversation turns from “You need to get to work on time” to “How can I help you figure out what you need to do in order to get to work on time?” The more principles you use in that conversation the more success you’re likely to have.Brian Ahearn, CMCT® Chief Influence Officer influencePEOPLE Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.Cialdini “Influence” Series! Would you like to learn more about influence from the experts? Check out the Cialdini “Influence” Series featuring Cialdini Method Certified Trainers from around the world.
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